No Insults: You get farther by telling someone specific behaviors you would like them to change. For example, "You are such a lazy bum!" is ineffective. Instead, try, "I'm frustrated because I asked you to clean up the living room, and now it is an hour later and it's still not clean! I want you to have it clean within 10 minutes."
No Mind-Reading: If you want something, ask for it; if you hear yourself say, "But she should know that by now that I want . . ." stop yourself; as we tell our children, "Use your words to say what you want."
Be Clear: Use behavioral words that are very specific to say what you want from a family member. For example: Rather than saying, "Be nice," to a child, say, "I would like you to say 'please' when you ask for that."
Listen First. Then Listen Again. After That Listen: The tendency we have with family members is to formulate our response before they are finished speaking; try saying back to the person what they just told you; this shows them that you listened before you spoke
Use Family Manners: Treat your family members at least as well as you would treat a client or a customer at work; always use courtesies such as "please," "thank you" and "you're welcome"; use a respectful tone of voice; even though you may feel you're not receiving the same courtesies, practice them anyway
Be Humble: Say "I'm sorry" when you goof
Use Withdrawal Rituals: Research has shown that when you are experiencing emotional flooding, anything you say at this point will not be helpful; work out a signal system with your family for when anyone is too angry or stressed to be productive in a conversation. When a family member uses the signal, the other family members give that person permission to find a place to cool off. When you are in your cooling off place, do not rehearse responses in your mind that fall into the "I'm an innocent victim" category; do some kind of exercise and keep your mind off of how you feel offended; get back to your conversation when you can be cool-headed
Take Custody of Your Mind: Pay close attention to your internal conversations about family members; if you are consistently telling yourself negative messages about a family member, give attention to reformulating your inner dialogue to include their good points; researchers have found that in good family relationships, people focus on the positive qualities of one another more than the negative; the opposite is true of bad family relationships
Refrain from Building Sides: Parents, never, ever use your child as an ally in your conflicts with your spouse
Use Consequences as a Powerful Tool: A louder voice does not communicate authority or respect; use the powerful language of consequences . . . "If you do (positive behavior) you are choosing (positive consequence). If you choose (negative behavior) you are choosing (negative consequence)"; select consequences that are realistic and that you will apply
Communicate Directly: The straightest distance between two points is a straight line -- don't communicate indirectly; work out your disagreements with the person with whom you have the disagreement; talking behind someone else's back will cause major problems over the long term
Be Polite: Don't interrupt
Schedule Fun Time: Schedule alone time with children from time to time that is just for fun and not for teaching them anything
Remember 5 to 1: For every negative interaction with someone, try to have five positive interactions; researchers have found this to be the ratio of interactions in happy families
If you are a parent with counseling needs or believe your family could benefit from family counseling, please call for help.
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